Pregnant after stillbirth: Second trimester thoughts
Four hearts for my four children. My phone’s desktop photo for this second trimester.
The second trimester - weeks 12 through 26 - of this pregnancy after a third trimester stillbirth has felt like the calm before a storm. Truthfully, the day-to-day reality in my second trimester has been very hard. During these long, distraction was been my strongest coping mechanism. This recently found quote really sums up the second trimester for me:
“Sometimes grief becomes delayed while we are busy surviving.” - Grief Uncovered
I dove deep into projects that would busy my mind. I completely disconnected from baby loss content on social media, and I even placed all of Blairs’s physical momentos in a box on a high shelf. I didn’t want to be reminded of her stillbirth in such direct ways. Of course there were still times when I let myself “go there” and feel all the feelings, but I really focused on being productive in other areas of my life. I also practiced a ton of diligence, positive thoughts, and visualizing our new baby’s healthy development and healthy arrival. I needed to press pause on heavily grieving Blair in order to reset myself. It was too exhausting otherwise.
At around 18 weeks, we found out that we are expecting another girl. A fourth daughter. Another girl was initially not what I wanted or anticipated. At the time, it seemed devastating that this new baby would not be a boy and the concept of having a “baby sister” would now have to be shared with Blair and the new baby. Flash forward to a few months later, and there is absolutely nothing complicated about our big girls having two baby sisters. They have a strong understanding of their baby sister Blair as their first baby sister. They and we are very excited to have a second baby sister coming soon. All four of our daughters are very much loved.
The usual excited feelings of feeling baby kicks for the first time were tapered with flashbacks of Blair. At the very beginning of baby #4’s kicks and movements, I missed Blair so deeply. I wanted Blair back in there and felt guilty to have another baby thriving where Blair used to be. Blair deserved to live, too. More time has passed now and the bond with our new baby girl #4 is strong. Blair is always missed but my love has also grown as it always does when another child comes around. My belly has also grown big quickly and I’ve felt like I’m Rose (Gloria Stewart) from the movie Titanic at the end of the movie when she says "“it’s been 84 years” in reflection on how much time has passed. Apart from a brief three month hiatus last summer, I have been pregnant with two different babies from fall 2019 to spring 2021 - that’s almost a year and a half!
Even in my best attempts, though, grief was always present. Grief has also stolen a lot of the joy in not only my pregnancy but also mothering our living children. I’ve felt a lot of bitterness at watching them grow and knowing I won’t be doing the same with Blair.
As I finally hit “publish” on this post, I am 30 weeks pregnant (and ten months of grieving Blair). The calm of the storm is over and the high alert leading up to and following week 32 is here, the gestational age when Blair died. There is only slight comfort that check-ups are coming out normal. After all, they were normal with Blair, too. We know the hard way that that there is no safe zone in pregnancy. I am grateful for various support that I’m receiving from my community, especially a third trimester loss support group through a non-profit organization Pregnancy after Loss Support (PALS). I remain hopeful that I will see this baby born alive, wiggling and screaming, and she will grow up alongside her other living sisters. For anyone going through this same struggle, I recommend reading PALS affirmations and prayers like:
Replace our worries with peace, our fear with courage. – Church Marquee
I trust in the wisdom of my body to protect this baby and produce life. – Lindsey Henke
This is a different pregnancy, a different baby, a different story, with a different ending. – Lindsey Henke
